paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
