yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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