highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
