Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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