Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
