come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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