how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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