thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
