Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
