He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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