but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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