How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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