Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
only you would photoshop your dick
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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