I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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