sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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