I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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