He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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