I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
