mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
