He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
