Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
