when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
