Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
