The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
