He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
