I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
What a dumb baby whore.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
