When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
