Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
