I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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