Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
