My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
