it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
