The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
