oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
