She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
