i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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