i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
