We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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