We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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