Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I need to align my fucking chakras
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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