so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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