is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Did you pee in the oven last night??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
