I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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