I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
