Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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