i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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