Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
where are my eyebrows?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
