I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
