Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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