i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
