cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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